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Hang on for another wild ride folks. Feel free to disagree…but how about say SOMETHING if you dare! Thousands of you out there reading…

There is wisdom in a multitude of counselors and we greatly need it. Without it we are destined to operate well below our potential. But wisdom and approval are hardly the same and when they get mixed together improperly, this murky situation often produces reason for concern - perhaps in us, the other person, or both. Unconditional love is unconditional. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t have standards. Doesn’t mean there are not consequences for poor choices.

But many Christians are walking in ‘conditional love’ not only toward others, BUT TOWARD THEMSELVES. For great performances, we applaud others and ourselves. For sub-par performances or courses of action contrary to their or our recommendations, watch out. In my opinion, this includes many leaders and is the source of much “approval syndrome” stuff.

Confusing Wisdom with Approval

Some people confuse the wisdom from others with their approval - and with good reason. Certain people seem to want to withhold their approval if you and I don’t do as they say. They might not voice it like this, but that is ultimately what is communicated. (Words are one part of communication; actions and non-verbal elements other dimensions. Often these need to be summed together to understand people’s interactions with us.)

Opinions are not wrong. Proper judgments have their place. The agendas of others can be quite well meaning and profoundly impact us for the good.

Let’s clarify with a politically incorrect example sure to alarm certain readers while enlightening others.

A Politically Incorrect Example Sure to Alarm Some Readers…

Suppose a Pastor you know, not yours, is a highly driven leader, so much so that their agenda/”vision” includes significant personal ambition mixed in with advancing the Kingdom according to how they have been called. They may be aware or not. Let’s say this person is a wonderful individual with a sincere desire to help people, called into full-time church ministry. Translation: some of his/her current plans are God-inspired, some not.

Let’s say this is a fact from God’s perspective and not conjecture. Is it possible for Pastors to have selfish ambition outside the will of God? Um, sure is. But this is just an example for the purpose of illustration not intended for you to start second-guessing people in your life. Don’t.

Because this person’s agenda contains certain elements ‘beyond’ the will of God, but may appear like good works and probably do,  the only way to keep people doing those things is with high control. That is because if participants, who also can sense God’s direction, were to stop and listen more deeply to the Lord, He might actually reveal that they are spinning their wheels. However, as it plays out, the leader must do everything possible to prop up the faltering program by opposing practically any activity that would hinder a person from staying involved with that initiative. C’mon people let’s get real. Happens all the time. If those involved eventually move in a different direction, they probably receive ‘dis-approval’ spoken or non.

I Love My Pastor

I love my pastor, (that’s him right here - Steve) and in fact have strong relationships with several and have served in local church virtually my entire Christian life. I have been a pastor. I am not anti-pastor, anti-program (some are simply incredible), not rebellious, do not feel that I have been ‘injured’ by improper authority and believe in loyalty and commitment.

However, I absolutely do have control issues when that control limits God’s people from fulfilling their true callings from Him. Pastors who can not enter these types of discussions or who must immediately begin pointing out something wrong with the other person or position are insecure, and in fact, probably hyper-controlling and may even have too strong a vein of their own agenda that is little ‘k’ kingdom and not the Kingdom.

Signs of Approval Syndrome in Your Life

But hold on. The point is that we can act exactly like this in our own lives toward others, which is probably much more prevalent than the previous example. So long as others ‘take our advice’ we tend to feel better about them, approving of them more -whether we realize it or not. Many operate the same way toward us.

So how do we tell the difference when someone is offering real wisdom versus their opinion, idea, agenda or judgment. You must know God, His Word and His leading. At the end of the day you will not be judged by what Craig or Paula thought you should do but God’s plan for your life. He has put spiritual leaders in your life as helps, not replacement for your own spirituality.

James 3:14-18
Mean-spirited ambition isn’t wisdom. Boasting that you are wise isn’t wisdom. Twisting the truth to make yourselves sound wise isn’t wisdom. 15 It’s the furthest thing from wisdom - it’s animal cunning, devilish conniving. 16 Whenever you’re trying to look better than others or get the better of others, things fall apart and everyone ends up at the others’ throats.

17 Real wisdom, God’s wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. 18 You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.
(from THE MESSAGE)

Another Politically Incorrect Example for YOUR Edification - Getting Married to the Right Woman

Let me tell you a story about being led by the Spirit vs. the opinions of others in my own life. Before I do, please understand that this is not primarily about an indictment on others not being spiritual enough, aware enough or having other agendas. It’s about me responding to God’s leading no matter the consequences or appearances. The people in this story all cared deeply for my well being and were and are people of God. It’s about me hearing the voice of God for my own life in spite of well grounded, well meaning, even well known others providing a universally contrary opinion of actions I should take at a key moment in my life.

This is an exceptional scenario, one not to be taken lightly - but sometimes these occasions occur at pivotal moments because God wants you ultimately to respond to Him, and if you are not on your game, you can make colossal mistakes at turning points in your life by overly relying on the approval of others. Take your time, seek wise counsel and follow the leading of the Lord.

A Very Close Call

There was a time in my life when I was engaged to another godly, wonderful woman - other than my incredibly awesome wife whom I adore and would be devastated without; Jennifer. In fact, we had set a wedding date. She was highly involved in our church, intelligent, pretty and caring. However, as we drew nearer to the date, still many months in the future, a slight sense of uneasiness started creeping into my heart. It was very subtle at first and began growing. Something didn’t seem right, but on the surface momentum toward wedding was increasing and on track. Things were ‘going well’.

Once my ‘inner witness’ reached genuine concern, I decided to talk to others to get their input. I spoke to a few family and friends and then decided I wanted even more input. There were three pastors in our local church, all whom I highly regarded and I talked with each of them in great depth. To a man they affirmed my current Engagement and expressed one way or another that “getting cold feet” is part of life and that was what was happening. I needed to stay the course, they each said.

I decided to heed their counsel, period, because that is what good Christians do. But the sense of something being off continued to grow until I couldn’t ignore it either.  What a pickle… As a leader in the church myself, how could I take a route contrary to all three Pastors? What would people think? Would they still approve of me? Surely that must be rebellion. But as a child of God, how could I disobey what was as best I could tell, the leading of the Lord? Was I confident enough in hearing God’s leading? Did I know Him well enough?

My Sweetie!

I ended the engagement based on the leading of the Lord despite a host of judmentalism from many sources - and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

By the way, at the moment that I resolved to end the engagement I had not met Jennifer yet and had no idea what might happen by not marrying then. Now both my former fiance and me are in wonderful marriages all walking with God.

YOU too, must make crucial decisions right for you, weighing all factors appropriately and not being overly led by the opinions, judgment or agenda of others. That’s part of getting free from over-reliance on the approval of others and sorting that from wisdom.

Hope that really helped someone today.

Blessings to you and freedom in Christ to fulfill your calling,

Rick for Ti-MC

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